10th February 1990

Went on the trail of Jack the Ripper. it was fascinating - a walk around the east end of London stopping at the various places he struck - quite gruesomely brutal the way he murdered those poor girls. I had a really great day.

I thought i would use this opportunity to promote The Five by Hallie Rubenhold who has done some sterling work in redressing the erasure of these women’s lives. She effectively destroys the myth that they were all prostitutes and highlights the precarious position of woking class women in Victorian London. Highlighting the lives of the victims of murderers rather than the murderers themselves is powerful work and an excellent way to fight the partriarchy.

29th January 1990

Had a fun day today. Helped mum with the Edinburgh tests. My period finished this morning. From now on a } in my diary means I’ve started {} means I have finished. School was ok. Ada was a bit of a pain but generally she was ok. It made me feel good when I head Anais really liked me. I think I need a tutor in maths. I am going under in maths.

On a brief inspection of the rest of the diary I am not sure I use this period code at any later date. Well, it was a nice idea. Also, for what it’s worth I was always in the top set for maths - I was fine at it, I think I’m just beginning to internalise ideas of perfection being the only thing that will make me acceptable.

25th January 1990

My period was quite long. Mum said to record it to make sure I know roughly how long it will last. I haven’t practiced piano all week. Yikes! My teacher will break my bones! Clarinet was ok. I really know how to play on someone’s sympathy. The teacher thought I was ill so I looked pathetic and she excused my crap playing. Ain’t I a devil!

Not entirely sure I have taken on board my biology lessons if I think my period is long on day 2. Glad that I was able to talk about it openly with my mum though. My attitude to health is really odd though - I am guessing that a 12 year old who is skipping meals and has her period is probably a bit peaky but I’m playing it off as if I am in control of it all.

24th January 1990

At the age of 12 years 9 months and 3 days I had my first period. The day started off lousy. I felt ill and wanted to stay off school but mum and dad wouldn’t let me. I fumed about that. I saw the period in science - I went to the loo. I felt ill in PE that’s what it was. Dad got me my clarinet books and had his head shaved! My friend is Anais. She is really good for me. We had private talks today. Anais’ mum is really pushy sometimes she said.

Surprisingly little drama about this, I think - other than the momentous marking of the date!

20th January 1990

Went into town with Ada today. Broke my vow not to buy sweets. Got good value though! I felt uncomfortable with Ada and her younger sister had a fight. Poor Coco she’s so unsettled. Watched Baywatch it’s pathetic. Octopussy was good. Ada crimped my hair today. It looks awful.

Delighted to see food shame becoming an ongoing theme, that definitely feels healthy. No idea what I had against Baywatch at the time but I remember being very into Ursula Andress in Octopussy; beautiful, deadly, absolutely loaded, a criminal with a moral code and a damsel in distress. Who says women can’t have it all.

18th January 1990

Had a good day today. No arguments with anyone that really matters to me, i.e. Mum and Dad hurt me because i care about them so much anything they say about me that is bad hurts me. I am quite preoccupied with Religion and Sex. The Bible doesn’t tie in with it’s [sic] commands about sex.

Hands up, I have no idea what I am on about in the second half of this entry but I’m glad to see that I am beginning to raise a metaphorical eyebrow at the teachings of the Catholic Church at this point.

16th January 1990

Walked home after school. Going to the Co-op at lunchtime was weird all the 6th formers were ‘gorping’ at me. I am cutting out lunch twice a week. I need to loose [sic] the weight. Mum came back to be with me and shot straight back into town. She came home fed up. I sympathise, school is tuff 4 me 2 though but she don’t know.

This one threw me a bit. As a girl in the nineties it’s not surprising that I would have a turbulent relationship with food but I thought it was a 14-16 year old thing - I had no idea I started aggressively regulating my eating at 12. Also, I absolulely did not need to ‘loose the weight’. It is profoundly depressing that a huge amount of my thinking energy is still devoted to this single thought though. Realising that it’s been at least 33 years of body dysmorphia iand self-criticism is grim.

5th January 1990

Not allowed to see Delinquents. School was OK. I don’t understand mum sometimes, I get friendly with someone and she starts putting in little criticisms of them. I think she might be jealous! Mrs Horse had a “talk” with mum today, honestly that woman, she’d take God down if she had half a chance! (I feel like using exclamation marks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!) School is better but I mustn’t draw in class - I loose [sic] concentration.

This one is a pretty standard entry but it occurs to me that at the time there wasn't really any media I consumed that dealt with mother-daughter relationships and how complex they can be - that pivot from anger at mum to anger at the person hurting mum is adorable.

4th January 1990

First day back at school. Everyone larking around as per usual. Ruth is going to see The Delinquents for her birthday. If I keep up the “ready to please” act with mum I might be able to go and see it. i pity George fancying Ada. She’s a bitch! He is so sweet.

Ok, I think The Delinquents theme is going to run and run. I was obsessed with seeing that film but my parents wouldn’t allow it because Kylie gets her tits out (as the playground vernacular had it). I just wanted to see the film Kylie was in; I loved her with a deep abiding passion that survives to this day. The weird ‘controversy’ about an actor who had appeared on television daily for over two years acting in a film and using her body to do it might still happen today but I don’t think it would make me stop my kids enjoying what they love.

Introduction - 1990

Child to come,

This is to help you understand that your mother is a human being! She went though some of the problems you are going/have gone through.

P.S. It’s also for me!!!

I swear to god, this is the genuine first entry. Quite frankly, there is no way in hell I am letting my 12 year old son know what 12 year old me was like. In your face 12 year old me. It’s also slightly insane that I am thinking about my unborn child at 12 years old. I smell a whiff of the old patriarchy in this, I must admit.